Whales On Deck (Spongebob Squarepants Fanfiction)
It is up to Pearl to sail Spongebob and a couple of other sailors to safety after the captain goes overboard.
Eugene H. Krabs
Slightly younger Krabs
Slightly younger but still very old Whitebeard
Patrick Star (Cameo)
Pearl’s Boyfriend (Phone picture only)
Old Sailor (Flashback only)
Bubble Bass (Cameo)
The Story Edit
The story begins at The Krusty Krab, near closing time.
PEARL: There is no way I am doing this lame activity Dad!
MR.KRABS: All ye have to do is just spend one night on a pirate ship! Ain’t that bad!
PEARL: But that is so lame and the people are so old!!
SQUIDWARD: Pfft, drama queen.
PEARL: Was I talking to you you blue boney skeleton?!
MR.KRABS: It’s not that bad Pearl, plus the captain is Captain Whitebeard, ye old babysitter!
PEARL: Yep, the same babysitter that stole my Cutie Pony for a diamond due to their worth back in 1996!
MR.KRABS: He replaced it!
PEARL: Forget it!
SQUIDWARD: Later freaks.
PEARL(about Squidward): Irrelevant anyways.
MR.KRABS: One night! That’s all I am asking anyways!
PEARL: Why do you want me to be gone so badly tonight?!
MR.KRABS: Because ummmmmm, ye room needs painting!
PEARL: You gotta count your money and need the whole house huh?
MR.KRABS: Yep! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh!
PEARL: Well can I least invite one of my friends so that way it is not totally old people.
MR.KRABS: Sure! Spongebob!
SPONGEBOB: Yay! Pirate adventure!
SPONGEBOB: We’re going to have so much fun Pearl! Swabbing the poop deck! Cleaning all of the chest hairs out of the sink! Feeding croutons to the parrots. And!!!
PEARL(going to her boat): Just get in the boat! Idiot.
SPONGEBOB: Yes ma’am! I mean matey! Arrgh!
PEARL: Neptune Kill me! Do it now!
The scene jumps to Pearl arriving at the loading docks. Many sailors board many ships.
They finally arrive in front of the ship they are boarding, the S.S Diarrhea.
PEARL: Of course.
SPONGEBOB: I had the “diarrhea” once! Let’s just say that snail food and bread don’t mix.
Captain Whitebeard then scampers up.
PEARL: Whitebeard, you really haven’t gotten much older.
WHITEBEARD: Well I am 104 years old darling! Arrgh! Arrgh!
WHITEBEARD: And who is this little cheesehead next to you? Ye boyfriend?
PEARL: No, no, no!!
SPONGEBOB: Oh my.
WHITEBEARD: Will he be a nuisance?
PEARL: I’m afraid so.
SPONGEBOB: I’m so! Not afraid!
WHITEBEARD: Errgh……. well, he’s not enough to catapult overboard though.
PEARL: How unfortunate that is.
SAILOR: Captain, we’re about to sail.
WHITEBEARD: Thar we are! Let’s board ye young millennials, must sail!
PEARL: Must go home!
The scene jumps to the SS Diarrhea sailing through treacherous waters. The sailors are singing a sea shanty and laughing while drinking kelp. Others throw darts at traitors, have snail races, watch their parrots fight over croutons and also yell how they are kings of the world. Spongebob is sightseeing of things in the background on shore such as teens making out, Tom yelling at his wife and a closeup of Patrick Star’s inside mouth.
PATRICK: Merry Christmas Spongebob!!! Or is it the fourth of July?
Pearl is staring at a picture of her boyfriend on her phone until her WIFI goes out.
She chucks the phone into the sea. Whitebeard scampers up.
WHITEBEARD: What’s botherin ye at this hour Pearlie darlin?
He takes a seat next to her.
PEARL: Oh nothing, it’s just that my Wifi went out and I can’t stay in touch with my boyfriend who is at a pool party where I should be instead of this smelly ship, which is literal.
WHITEBEARD: Ye first day out on the big blue is very unsettling but the more sailor you get, the more unappealing you get! Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh!
PEARL: I can’t tell if that’s helpful or disrespectful.
WHITEBEARD: Pirate talk is complicated.
Spongebob runs up with food in hand.
SPONGEBOB: Hey everybody! I made Krabby Patty Nachos!
Whitebeard takes the nachos and dumps them into the sea.
WHITEBEARD: We only eat nasty salt barnacles and wet popcorn on this vessel!
SPONGEBOB: Sorry sir.
WHITEBEARD: Who goes there, arrr?
SAILOR: She’s back.
WHITEBEARD: Oh barnacles.
WHITEBEARD: Pearlie, get to the panic room, the beast is back.
PEARL: What beast?!
WHITEBEARD: Let’s just say that this beast is one of the most unpleasant auras of the briny deep, next to your father’s used shirts.
The beast, a sea monster in the shape of a large eel leaps out of the ocean and dives back in.
WHITEBEARD: Thar she blows! Sailors, get me my trenchcoat, another eye patch and the harpoon!
They do as the 104 year old says.
WHITEBEARD: Come on baby.
The sea monster leaps out again swallowing and eating a scallop.
PEARL: Uh Mr.Whitebeard, I don’t think this is safe.
WHITEBEARD: Come on BABY!
The sea monster begins to swim towards the SS Diarrhea.
SPONGEBOB: I need to check my pants into the Washing Machine tomorrow.
WHITEBEARD: COME ON YA SCURVY BABY!
The sea monster leaps out of the ocean yet again and lands onto the boat.
Whitebeard fires his harpoon into the monster’s nose.
WHITEBEARD: Arr! Arr!
MONSTER: My nose! And you call me the monster! Aaaaaaagghhhh!!
The monster engulfs the elderly captain and dives back into the ocean. The sailors, Spongebob and Pearl all watch in shock. Some sailors then cheer.
SAILOR 2: About time he died!
SAILOR 3: I can finally have his cabin!
PEARL: I may not like that old moron who is a thief but we still can not let him die like that! We’re no better and we will have no mode of transport to get home!
SAILORS: Ohhhhhhh…………… (realizing they’re screwed): Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!
PEARL: Zip it!!
SPONGEBOB: Pearl! How about you drive us safely to shore before the monster engulfs more of us!
PEARL: I don’t know how to operate a pirate ship! My Dad would! I have to call him. Oh…. never mind.
SPONGEBOB: Here use my phone!
Pearl grabs Spongebob’s phone but cringes at how old it is.
PEARL: Ew! You still have the old Shell Flip Phone! Totally ew!!
SAILOR: Hello! Call your Dad!
PEARL: Oh right.
Pearl dials the house number. The scene jumps to Mr.Krabs counting his money while getting a massage from a masseur.
MR.KRABS: Ehh, I’ll let the answering machine get it. Now swab me toenails Masseur!
MASSEUR: Whatever you say champ.
Back to Pearl..
ANSWERING MACHINE: Hello this is Eugene Krabs! Leave a message! Actually don’t… I don’t want to pay the phone bill.
Pearl hangs up.
PEARL: That twit!
SPONGEBOB: We’re done! We’re so done!
SAILOR: Try to learn how to steer this vessel matey! Why else would you be on here?!
PEARL: Well actually, I remember Whitebeard, my Dad and some other old freak in their old collection bringing me onto another one of their vessels when I was three, they taught me how to steer.
SPONGEBOB: Perfect! Try to remember it!
Pearl flashes back to 1993, Whitebeard and the other old guy along with a slightly younger Mr.Krabs teach Pearl how to steer a vessel.
MR.KRABS: Palms on the 10 and 2 positions Pearlie.
WHITEBEARD: And always pay attention to the front of ye!
OLD SAILOR: Arrgh! Arrgh!
YOUNG PEARL: Okay I’ll try.
She has trouble doing it at first but by the fourth try, she gets it. Back to the present. She heads to the wheelhouse and gets in front of the steering wheel. After some anxiety, she makes her move.
PEARL: 10 and 2 positions.
She does that.
PEARL: I did it!
SAILOR: Now steer!
SPONGEBOB: Please! The monster is beginning to circle the boat! She’s still hungry!
PEARL: I’m trying! Chill out! What else, what else???
YOUNG PEARL: What else?
WHITEBEARD: Steer in whichever direction ye want.
MR.KRABS: Arrgh! Arrgh!
OLD SAILOR: That’s my line lad!
Mr.Krabs bonks the old sailor on the head with a cheese grater.
YOUNG PEARL: Hmmmmm, oh!
She turns right and barely evades the Monster who almost bit a hole into the ship to try and sink them.
SPONGEBOB: Now what?!
YOUNG PEARL: I want a destination! I want a destination!
WHITEBEARD: Arrgh! Arrgh! Choose one from this list cutie!
Pearl scans the list for a bit and chooses a destination, The Bikini Bottom Pickle Factory.
PEARL: Spongebob, where is the pickle factory?
SPONGEBOB: We passed it just a mile ago, why?
PEARL: Brace yourselves, I am doing a 180!
SAILOR: Huh? I’ve never heard that in the pirate jargon before?
She turns the ship completely around evading another attack.
MONSTER: What can you do to sink someone around here?!!
SPONGEBOB: Keep sailing straight! It will eventually appear out of the fog!
At the pickle factory.
BUBBLE BASS: Now workers, I demand you increase the production of pickles in Krabby Patties lest you want to lose your credibility.
PICKLE EMPLOYEE: Well, we would, but looking at you, you should try a salad and some jogging instead.
Suddenly, the employee notices the SS Diarrhea pull up on the docks.
PICKLE EMPLOYEE: Here’s the pickle jar fatso.
BUBBLE BASS: Yippee!
He runs off.
PICKLE EMPLOYEE: Captain Whitebeard? What in sea tarnation are you doing here? I thought you only liked salt barnacles and wet popcorn?
PEARL: No! It’s his friends and my dad’s daughter! Pearl! We need your pickles to defeat this monster!
EMPLOYEE: Nah, I don’t give up my pickles to defeat fairy tales.
SAILOR: Pickles now!
One sailor hops down and points a sword at the employee.
SAILOR: Hard way or easy way?
EMPLOYEE(nervously): Good luck mates! Heehee! Arrgh!
They sail off back to the monster.
SAILOR: Hey wait, why didn’t we just get off there?!
Scene shows Bubble Bass trapped in a pit full of pickles having fallen through one of the place’s several traps.
PEARL: Anyways, Spongebob, pickles!
SPONGEBOB: Pickles ma’am!
PEARL: Don’t call me ma’am!
The monster is at a distance ready to sink the ship.
Pearl swallows some pickles and then positions her blowhole towards the sea menace and fires pickle juice at it.
The monster goes underwater and leaps out of the water at it’s highest point.
SPONGEBOB: Noooooo!! We’re dead!!!!!
Suddenly, the monster feels a punch in its stomach and eventually regurgitates Whitebeard who did that and several other sea junk. The monster explodes.
Whitebeard in mid air.
He falls into the ocean going under.
PEARL: Now to sail this stupid ship to the Pirateville docks.
SPONGEBOB: How’d you know that?
MR.KRABS: Remember Pearl, no matter where ye are, always remember that a Pirate’s destination is Pirateville! Arrgh.
SPONGEBOB: Seems legit.
Pearl sails the ship some odd miles and eventually docks at the Pirateville docks.
SAILOR 2: Wahoo!
The loading bridge lowers to the ground and all of the sailors disperse to be with their families. Spongebob and Pearl walk down.
SPONGEBOB: You did it Pearl! You saved us! You decided to put your selfishness and normal egotistical teenage behavior aside for one day for the greater good of others and your better judgment! How sweet of you!
PEARL: Uh yeah, whatever.
Whitebeard swims to the docks and finally crawls up to shore. Spongebob and Pearl try to help him to his feet but he does it on his own.
WHITEBEARD: Phew, oh vey, ye want to know what the inside of a sea monster’s tummy smells like?
WHITEBEARD: A very bad aura that is extremely unpleasant! Second to your Dad’s used pairs of underwear.
Pearl then finds her phone floating to shore.
PEARL: Hey my phone!
WHITEBEARD: Stupid techno devices… Treasure hunts are where it’s at!
PEARL: Yeah whatever.
YOUNG PEARL(watching this moment): I really grow up like that?