The Babysitter (Spongebob Squarepants Fanfiction)
Squidward must either babysit a bunch of young kids that annoy him or risk losing his job and the amount of things he managed to get.
Eugene H. Krabs
Old Man Jenkins (cameo)
Sheldon J. Plankton
The Story Edit
The story begins at The Krusty Krab early in the morning, around 8, Squidward is taking his morning nap while holding up the line of customers and Spongebob is cooking up patties to appease them. Suddenly an angry Mr.Krabs bursts out of his office.
MR.KRABS: EVERYBODY EXCEPT MY SLAV...UH I MEAN, EMPLOYEES, OUT!!!
He lifts the floorboards and all the customers roll out of the restaurant screaming.
OLD MAN JENKINS(also rolling): I don’t want to be a burden.
After those freeloaders are gone, Krabs then turns his attention to Mr.Squidward.
SQUIDWARD: Oh shut it already! I’m trying to nap!
MR.KRABS: That’s what this anger is for! Your morning naps are costing me the greenbacks!
SQUIDWARD: Come again?
Mr.Krabs grabs out a line chart to show Squidward a significant decrease in sales the past month.
MR.KRABS: Look at these statistics Mr.Squidward! Look at IT! I have lost over $52.00 this month just because, you can’t get enough sleep at night!
SQUIDWARD: Well, I want to sleep better at night so I can be more wakeful but the idiot next door prevents me to do so!
Mr.Krabs and Squidward look at Spongebob in the Kitchen trimming his toenails.
SPONGEBOB: What idiot?
They get back to their previous positions.
MR.KRABS: That doesn’t change the fact that you are a mindless sleeping zombie that is going to continue robbing me of ye money at this time!
SQUIDWARD: Picker! You favor Spongebob over me you salty old hag!
MR.KRABS: SALTY OLD HAG?! That’s it! You are terminated from this restaurant!
SPONGEBOB: No! Squidward!
SQUIDWARD: WHOOPEE!! SEE YA LATER MR.SWEATY ARM PITS!
MR.KRABS: Why does everybody always point out my sweatiness?
As Squidward is about to boastfully walk out of the crusty restaurant,.. he all of a sudden has a vision, a vision of a jobless future where he is homeless living out in a dumpster, the green disgusting one, begging for at least $9 but not getting that money or any attention. Even worse, Spongebob and Patrick also use his old house as their game museum.
SQUIDWARD: AAAH! No! Mr.Krabs! Please take me back! I’ll do better!
MR.KRABS: Pfft, yeah right.
Mr.Krabs begins walking back to his office but a begging Squidward stops him.
SQUIDWARD: No, no, really I will, I could mow your lawns, count your money, wash Spongebob’s underwear.
Spongebob giggles and blushes at the thought.
SQUIDWARD: Okay definitely not that third option anymore and maybe I can even do all your chores for a year, please!
MR.KRABS: Well that is touching but nope, besides I already have Patrick Star as my slave lad anyways!
PATRICK: He’s right!
Patrick swallows a Krabby Patty. Mr.Krabs then hands him soap.
MR.KRABS: Now wash my boat!
PATRICK: Aye! Aye!
He goes to do just that.
MR.KRABS: See, I taught him my jargon as well! Arrgh! Arrgh!
MR.KRABS: Are ye seriously still here?! ARRGH!! Well, wait, wait, there is one thing you could do for me, at $2 an hour.
SQUIDWARD: What is it? What is it?!
MR.KRABS: Babysitting a bunch of kids and toddlers.
SQUIDWARD: WHAT?! NO! NOOOOO! Kids, or should I say little brats, are not my specialty!
MR.KRABS: Okay, then bye!
SQUIDWARD: WAIT! Eergh, how many kids?
MR.KRABS: They are all between the ages of 2 and 8 and help is not going to be all the time solicited or unsolicited, so good luck, arrgh, arrgh, arrgh, arrgh, arrgh!
Mr.Krabs heads back into his office.
SQUIDWARD: Now my vision doesn’t seem as bad as before..
The scene jumps to Spongebob and Patrick setting the Krusty Krab up like a daycare center full of balloons, toys, chalk and beds for naptime. Mr.Krabs is collecting all of the money in the register very quickly concerning Squidward.
SQUIDWARD: Why are you collecting so much money?
MR.KRABS: I’ll just give ye one tip for today…. vigilance.
Mr.Krabs then dashes to his office as fast as possible and shuts the door locking himself in with 23 locks. He also locks the second door to his office with 34 locks as well as shuts all of his windows and then cowers into a panic room where he comforts his confess a bear while rocking and sucking his thumb.
SQUIDWARD: What did he mean by vigilance?
Suddenly, Squidward, Spongebob and Patrick hear a noise and then the doors open with 39 young kids running in all hyper and already making chaos. Spongebob and Patrick get playful while Squidward feels like jumping off a cliff. The kids begin eating glue, hitting each other with building blocks, crying after pooping their diapers and also climbing all over Patrick Star and hitting him.
PATRICK: OW! OW! OW! This hurts as bad as my toaster oven on my tongue!
SQUIDWARD: This is going to be a painful day.
SQUILLIAM: Painful indeed!
SQUIDWARD: Squi, Squi, Squi, Squilliam Fancyson?!!
SQUILLIAM: The third and not last!
SQUIDWARD: What are you doing here? You ain’t below 10 years old!
SQUILLIAM: I stopped by to drop off my son to be babysat but now I can also get my jollies in knowing that you get to suffer through these ingrate toddlers!
Squilliam and Squidward look to see several toddlers poking each other with the forks while Spongebob tries to stop them.
SQUIDWARD: Figures,... well, you said you had a son, where is he?
SQUILLIAM: Right here, his name is John.
Squilliam reveals his son, who is a fish and not an octopus, has slick black hair, a purple tucked in fancy shirt, black pants and golden socks plus black dress shoes.
SQUIDWARD: Uhhh, but you are an octopus and your junior is a fish. Uhhhh..
SQUIDWARD: Makes sense.
JOHN: Dad, I’m 8 years old, most of the other kids here are probably not even 5 yet and the babysitter looks like a horribly disfigured toilet paper roll that came to life.
JOHN: Do I have to stay here? Can I be babysat by one of our Nannies instead?
SQUILLIAM: Our nannies are on vacation in the Bahamas all week! Sorry son, I would want you to have a wealthier babysitter as well but this will have to do for now.
SQUILLIAM: Anyways toodles Squiddy! Have fun with the babies! Aha,Aha,Aha! Okay, time for my pedicure.
Squilliam leaves and John eyes Squidward in the face.
SQUIDWARD: Well John, I’d rather focus on you than the other annoying ones since you seem to be more mature and..
JOHN(to the toddlers while holding a pitchfork): Get him!!!
The toddlers do as said.
John and the other children begin assaulting Squidward with the pitchforks as well as throwing dirt, glue and oil at him. A toddler also farts in his face. The kids are finally directioned to lay off by Spongebob. Squidward lies on the ground horribly maimed.
SQUIDWARD: I see stars..
PATRICK: I see my belly button!
The scene cuts to Squidward trying to feed the children, it is now lunch hour.
SQUIDWARD: Okay uhh, you like Krabby Patties.
FEMALE TODDLER: My Mommy wants me on veggies only!
JOHN: Krabby Patties are lame.
SQUIDWARD: Well, what do you want to eat?
MALE TODDLER: I want dinosaur chicken fingers!!
MALE KID: Potato Chips!!
FEMALE TODDLER: Cabbage Cobbler!
The children begin talking over all each other until Squidward gets their attention back by banging a fork on the table.
SQUIDWARD: Zip it!
They bang their forks on the table as well just to irritate him.
SQUIDWARD: Neptune kill me.
JOHN: Can you get us Ice Cream, I like Ice Cream.
EVERY OTHER CHILD: WE DO TOO!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!
SQUIDWARD: SHUT UP!!! Ugh, fine, I’ll get you ice cream.
EVERY CHILD: YAAAAAAAYYAYAYAYAYYYYYYYY, AAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHHHHH!!!!
SQUIDWARD: My eardrums already planned their funeral today at 6 PM. Now, Spongebob, Patrick, go to Goofy Goobers and get these little turds their treats. I’m gonna go and read the phone manual.
Squidward then gets a text, it’s from Mr.Krabs, he said… “Termination, it is.” Squidward texts back in a panic, “Uh I mean, play with children!” Mr.Krabs texts back the smile emoji as Squidward breathes a sigh of relief. Spongebob and Patrick are back.
SPONGEBOB: Got the Ice Cream!!
SQUIDWARD: How’d you do that so fast?
SPONGEBOB: What do you think Pat and I were doing while you were texting?
MALE TODDLER: Ice Creamy! Ice Creamy!
SPONGEBOB: Okay Pat, lay down the treats! Pat?
PATRICK: Uh oh!
SPONGEBOB: What do you mean uh oh?
PATRICK: Was that ice cream for the kids?
SPONGEBOB: Yeah, Pat, uh..
PATRICK: I may have eaten it.
JOHN: No Ice Cream?
SQUIDWARD: Uh John and others uhh, yeah your right.
Every child throws a crying tantrum. They also get very destructive as they begin chainsawing some of the walls as well as beating themselves up with their own toys.
PATRICK: The apocalypse!!
SQUIDWARD: Quiet you bozos! I know what will make them feel better, I just thought of it! My old kazoo from 1976!
Squidward grabs out his old Kazoo he had all these years ago and begins playing it. The kids hear it and crawl up to Squidward and intently listen to him. Even John does.
SPONGEBOB: Well how about that Pat! Pat?
Spongebob sees Patrick among the mesmerized audience as well.
The scene jumps to 2 PM Naptime. Squidward has taken over a half hour in getting the children into their pajamas for this occasion. Now it’s John’s turn.
JOHN: Hey hey hey, tentacles off my clothes.
SQUIDWARD: I am given the order to change all you little freaks so you can nap better. Now, put on your Diamond PJ’s. NOW!
John grabs his pajamas and gets away from Squidward, going to change in the bathroom.
SQUIDWARD: Just change!
John slams the door shut.
SPONGEBOB: See Squidward! This ain’t so bad! Now it’s naptime! Patrick already gotten right on it!
Patrick is napping up in the crowsnest in yellow Spongebob pajamas.
SQUIDWARD: Not that bad? Not that bad! It was very bad already! I have to pay the restuarants insurance bill of damages of $150 by Friday! The children were very annoying, one farted in my face.
SPONGEBOB: Two did.
SQUIDWARD: And they ate our low quality kiddie meals! Horrid!
SPONGEBOB: I think you care for them!
SPONGEBOB: You’re looking out for their best interests, by wanting them to have better food, be safer and be cleaner!
SQUIDWARD: What? I said the exact opposite of that! Get off that happy pill Spongebob, it’s making you dumber than usual.
Spongebob skips off to play hop scotch with two kids before their naptime.
SQUIDWARD: ……… The beds are soft enough right? Oh wait, what am I on about? They’re brats! They deserve to sleep in the dumpster! Where they belong!
As Squidward talks to himself, Sheldon J. Plankton is outside, with another plan to steal the secret formula. He radios to Karen, who is back in the Chum Bucket.
PLANKTON: Okay Karen! I got the perfect plan!
KAREN: Spill it butterbean.
PLANKTON: I will sneak into the Krusty Krab once the children go to sleep and..
KAREN: Wait, what children?
PLANKTON: Apparently, Krabs has become “Softy McTwoFace” and opened a wimpy daycare center, the fool.
KAREN: Whatever, anyways what?
PLANKTON: Anyways, I’ll sneak in once the brats are asleep and go and steal Squidward’s clarinet.
KAREN: Why the clarinet?
PLANKTON: Simple! I will then sneak into McTwoHead’s office to pop the safe lock with the clarinet’s sharp end, the safe opens, the formula is mine, and I WILL RULE THE WORLD!
KAREN: Stupid as usual.
PLANKTON: Can it W.I.F.E! I have to do this! Bye!
He throws the radio away and sneaks in as many kids doze off. Plankton makes a dash toward the register boat where Squidward is smelling his lilac.
Plankton then finds a note to determine where Squidward put his clarinet, next to the Kitchen door. Before he could run down the home stretch to collect it, he is busted, the bathroom door opens and John, now in PJ’s walks out and spots him.
PLANKTON: Oh uh, hey champ!
JOHN: Aaah! Insect!!
CHILDREN(waking up): Insect?!!
The other children begin freaking out and crying and screaming. Plankton tries to approach a screaming John to keep him quiet. After screaming, John begins stomping on Plankton with his foot.
JOHN: Go away!!! Go!!!
John lifts his foot to find Plankton a mushed mess with all bones broken and several bruises. Spongebob apprehends Plankton.
SPONGEBOB: Trying to steal the formula again eh?
PLANKTON: Uhh no, uh, Squidward’s clarinet and..
SQUIDWARD: My clarinet?!!
Squidward grabs Plankton and chucks him across the street making him hit his restaurant sign and then fall into one of his cesspools.
PLANKTON(while burning): Ouch
SQUIDWARD: AND STAY OUT!
Squidward closes the door.
SQUIDWARD: Well you did it Spongebob, you saved my clarinet.
SPONGEBOB: Don’t thank me, thank John, he was the one to stomp on the tiny creep.
Squidward looks to see John and the other children have now dozed off from screaming too much.
SQUIDWARD: Thank you John.
Squidward smiles, now starting to change his mind about the children.
A montage happens.
Squidward plays peek-a-boo with several toddlers and finally bonding with them.
Squidward plays cards with John and John finally treats him better with fourteen less insults.
Squidward teaches the 2 year olds how to properly use glue.
Squid even plays tag you’re it with Patrick, while John and the others cheer them on.
Finally, Squidward, every child, Spongebob and Patrick huddle together and have a group hug for a somewhat interesting babysitting session. Then they hear a bell ring, it is 6 PM, the babysitting service as well as the normal shifts conclude for the day.
Mr.Krabs finally exits his office, although with extreme caution but then feels comfortable to see that the children are much calmer now than they were this morning. The 39 mothers of the other children arrive and they all leave.
After a few minutes, Squilliam arrives to pick up his son.
SQUIDWARD: Oh uh hello Squilliam.
SQUILLIAM: Hello, Squiddy!
SQUIDWARD: Lay whatever you have on me.
SQUILLIAM: So, how was the 9 hours of torture? You know, tortuous right? You were tortured, please tell me you were?
SQUIDWARD: Oh I was at first, but then after a tiny loser failed to steal my clarinet thanks to these little scamps, I bonded with them and I am now great friends with them… babysitting wise.
SQUILLIAM: So,.. you had fun?!
Squilliam looks shocked for a minute and then faints, not being able to believe this at all.
JOHN: I better bring him to the limo so our squire can drive us. Y’know Squid guy, you seemed like the lamest and ugliest joke at first but you know what, now you are a pretty cool dude, even if my Dad may not think so.
John then hugs Squidward, who feels touched by this. John then gets the help of the elderly squire, who walks in, to get the unconscious Squilliam to the limo. The squire then drives them home once this is done.
SPONGEBOB: So cute!
PATRICK: But I’m cuter!
SPONGEBOB: Of course you are.
MR.KRABS: Well this was nice, surprising I know, well, all of you are relieved for the night, now GET OUT!
Spongebob and Patrick leave. Mr.Krabs prepares to lock the restaurant for the night but then hears crying. He looks out to see Squidward sitting against the Krusty Krab sign sobbing, already missing the children, even if he hated them at first, especially John.
SQUIDWARD: I lost my little buddy!
He continues to sob.
MR.KRABS: Ugh fine audience,.. I’ll give him 3 more cents extra at work tomorrow. Errrrgghhh.