Puff Muffins (Spongebob Squarepants Fanfiction)
Spongebob decides to help Mrs.Puff with a muffin drive as a move to try and get his license. Plans get awry though when Sandy opens her own muffin stand.
Old Man Jenkins
Gary The Snail(Cameo)
Eugene H. Krabs
Nancy Suzy Fish
Three unnamed Kids
The scene begins with Spongebob happily chanting several times…
SPONGEBOB: I’m ready to get a license, I’m ready to get a license! …..
He enters the courtyard of Mrs.Puff’s Boating School and approaches his teacher standing by the boat with a very miserable demeanor already expecting another failure and wanting to get it over with.
SPONGEBOB: Hey Mrs.P! I’m ready to enter the world of the drivers today! Vroom Vroom!
MRS.PUFF: So you be..
She gets in the boat.
MRS.PUFF: Okay Spongebob, how do you start the boat?
SPONGEBOB: Ignition on.
He starts the boat, Mrs.Puff does her signature freak out causing Spongebob to show her a picture of a cute snail to calm her down.
MRS.PUFF: Whoo, sorry about that, anxiety stinks…. Anyways, what do you do next?
SPONGEBOB: Simple, you floor it!
Spongebob, as “a little bit naive” as he is, floors it anyway driving the boat about hundreds of miles per hour. He crashes through the WALL, the fence and drives over a kids playground before the kids arrived as well as several mailboxes, garbage cans, an Old Man Jenkins…
OLD MAN JENKINS: I don’t want to be a burden..
And numerous other items before finally crashing into Spongebob’s house frightening Gary, only getting a slight glimpse from Squidward, who was sunbathing and the reaction causes Spongebob to fall out of the boat and Mrs.Puff to puff up and explode.
NARRATOR : ONE WEEK LATER.
Mrs.Puff gets dispatched out of the hospital and returns to work with a back brace on giving the stinkeye to Spongebob while teaching the other students some lessons about friction.
The scene cuts to the end of the day. Students run out.
STUDENTS: WHOOP WHOOP! FREEDOM! SEE YA BIG FAT MEANIE!!
Spongebob walks outside in a slump though still feeling guilty about the boat accident the week prior. However, he pauses in his tracks and turns around to go talk to Mrs.Puff.
SPONGEBOB: Uh Mrs.Puff, I um uh know it's the end of the day and all but can we talk, we haven’t talked since the accident.
Mrs.Puff grunts angrily and continues doing her back exercises as directed by her doctor to strengthen her puffer and bones.
MRS.PUFF: What do you want?! Can’t you see I’m busy.
That said, she finishes the exercises and takes a seat at her desk continuing to stink-eye Spongebob.
SPONGEBOB: Well uh I feel guilty about, y’know, what happened… and I would like to make it up to you.
MRS.PUFF: No thank you.. I’ve had enough panic attacks for one week.
SPONGEBOB: There has got to be something to do, I can’t live with this guilt.
MRS.PUFF: Ugh Spongebob, I have lived with guilt my entire life.. from drinking my bubba as an infant to as a kid in the ball pits to a stupid teenager doing crazy things up at Make-Out Reef and finally to my teaching career. You only realized one accident, so suck it up, it only gets worse from there.
SPONGEBOB: It’s not a wonderful world.
MRS.PUFF: At least you scored 100% on that.
SPONGEBOB: Well, can I help you with anything.
Mrs.Puff sets down some papers she was going to grade with some force and looks Spongebob in the eye.
MRS.PUFF: Listen Spongebob, I told you, I need no help, I always bounce back, so take your little square butt and hop on home before I have to take my wooden club and beat you upside on that butt with it.
Spongebob sighs and does what his miserly teacher says but slips on something.
SPONGEBOB: Ow! What the… What is this?
Mrs.Puff takes the item.
MRS.PUFF: It is one of my muffins, guess I dropped it there when I went to fetch some student’s tests to fail.
SPONGEBOB: You have muffins?
MRS.PUFF: Course I have muffins you dim-bop! Had them for a month, they’re for a muffin drive I am planning for a couple of days. Doc said I can only do three hours instead of the full ten thanks to you and your floor it! These muffins are going to the people of Bikini Bottom. So don’t eat them!
Spongebob walks going to leave but pauses again, getting an idea.
SPONGEBOB: Hey Mrs.Puff..
MRS.PUFF(annoyed): What now..
SPONGEBOB: Could I assist you in your endeavor in this muffin drive to the townspeople of Bikini Bottom?
MRS.PUFF: Oh ok, and I’ll give you a $10 bonus while you’re at it.
SPONGEBOB: Okay thank you!
MRS.PUFF: Clearly, you can’t comprehend sarcasm.
MRS.PUFF: You ain’t helping my muffin drive.
SPONGEBOB: Oh come on! Please!!
MRS.PUFF: No, means… NO!!!!!!
SPONGEBOB: But I need to help out my guilt!!
MRS.PUFF: I said SUCK IT UP!
Mrs.Puff goes and begins grading the student papers while Spongebob continues throwing his hissy-fit.
SPONGEBOB: I have to help out my guilt!! My bills!! Gary!! Squidward!! You!!! Everybody!!!
MRS.PUFF: Still not listening.
SPONGEBOB: I have to jellyfish!! Get a license!! Work!!
MRS.PUFF: I am going to go call the cops and…
Suddenly Mrs.Puff pauses.
MRS.PUFF: Wait, say that again!
SPONGEBOB: I have to work.
MRS.PUFF: Before that.
MRS.PUFF: After that.
MRS.PUFF: Yes, that’s it! Okay, Spongebrain, you can help my muffin drive, and get a license in return!
Spongebob explodes in happiness.
MRS.PUFF: Spongebob free Boating School, here I come!!
The scene cuts to near a public bench and in front of Goo Lagoon Beach. Mrs.Puff sets up a desk where she stores heavy crates full of muffins that Spongebob managed to carry all the way.
SPONGEBOB: Whoo! That was a long walk! Why’d you park 10 miles away from where we will do business?
MRS.PUFF(who got her revenge from the accident by making the poor boy walk that much with heavy weight): Don’t ask any questions, you ain’t ready for!
She flicks her sign from closed to open.
She yells out to some people walking by.
MRS.PUFF: Hey everybody! Open for business!
The people shake their heads thinking Mrs.Puff is crazy for trying to do a muffin drive in the middle of public.
MRS.PUFF: I don’t get it, why are these people walking away?
SPONGEBOB: I got a plan.
MRS.PUFF: … Neptune help us.
Spongebob jumps in the middle of a bored couple walking by startling them.
SPONGEBOB: Hey John and Nancy, come and take some time out of your day and try a certified fresh muffin from uh, (then to Mrs.Puff) what’s your business called again?
MRS.PUFF: Puff Muffins
SPONGEBOB: Puff Muffins!
HUSBAND: Uh my name is Dave, not John.
WIFE: And I’m Kate.
DAVE: No thanks, on a gluten free diet.
SPONGEBOB: 20% fat off?!
KATE: We said no thanks.
SPONGEBOB: It comes with an ice cream cone!
MRS.PUFF: No it doesn’t.
DAVE: Listen Cheese Block, beat it..., Kate and I have a party to get to.
Spongebob grabs some muffins.
SPONGEBOB: Why don’t you bring some muffins for your buddies.
Dave and Kate stare in disbelief at Spongebob for a moment and then look at each other.
The scene cuts to Mrs.Puff about to put beautifier on her gray eye lashes when Spongebob walks up with discarded muffin essence all over his face.
MRS.PUFF: I see it went well.
SPONGEBOB: Is this another one of those sarcasm thingies?
MRS.PUFF: Seems so.
Spongebob wipes off the muffin essence.
SPONGEBOB: Well don’t fret Mrs.P…, I know more tricks in business and….
Patrick walks by eating a muffin until Spongebob walks up to him.
SPONGEBOB: Hey Pat.
PATRICK: Hey Spongebob!
SPONGEBOB: Where did you get that muffin?
PATRICK: Hey! I ain’t huffin and puffin like the big bad wolfie!
Spongebob takes out a Q-Tip, cleans Patrick’s ears and says his question again.
PATRICK: Oh, this! I got it at Sandy’s Rootin Tootin Muffin!
SPONGEBOB: Where would that be?
PATRICK: Right up the path.
Patrick walks away finishing his muffin and Spongebob looks up the path to see Sandy Cheeks selling some more muffins to some people finally answering the question on why Puff Muffins isn’t getting any business.
SPONGEBOB: Uh Mrs.Puff, we have a problem.
MRS.PUFF: I told Glen that my phone bill was paid three days ago and..
SPONGEBOB: No I meant that my friend from Texas is taking all of our business and selling muffins to the people.
They look again to see Sandy’s business booming.
MRS.PUFF: Don’t throw a fit Spongebob, we will make money! Here comes someone now! It’s Eugene!
Eugene H. Krabs walks up.
MRS.PUFF: Hi Eugene!
She blinks her gray eyelashes while spraying them black.
MR.KRABS: Hey Puff darlin, I see you got ye a little muffin display here.
MR.KRABS: I would like to purchase one of these here food items from your possession.
Mr.Krabs hands her the “money.” And then runs off fast with his muffin.
MRS.PUFF: See Spongebob! I told you! We are beginning business! I got money from my boyfriend.
However she looks at her hand and her eyelashes turn gray again making the black melt off. She sees that Mr.Krabs has swindled even his girlfriend of a muffin by paying for it with a used toothpick, a gummy worm and some chest hair.
MRS.PUFF: ………. Never mind.
Sandy sells a muffin to a happy citizen.
SANDY: There’s your muffin, stay pretty!
She then notices Spongebob and Mrs.Puff.
SANDY: Oh hey Spongey and his teacher!
SPONGEBOB: Hey Sandy
MRS.PUFF: I suppose hi.
SANDY: What y'all up to?
MRS.PUFF: Well you are stealing ou…
SPONGEBOB: Our happiness!
SANDY: Stealing our happiness?...... Hahaha! You sure know how to joke around Spongey! Come and buy a muffin!
SPONGEBOB: No thanks, we have our own.
SANDY: Oh! Yall operating a muffin drive as well?
MRS.PUFF: What’s it to you?
SANDY: Nothing insubordinate over yonder, just awesome that we both get to sell these here delicious treats on such a beautiful day, even if not in Texas!
SPONGEBOB: Good to know.
SANDY: Well I’d love to chat and all but I have a muffin business to operate, so see yall around!
SPONGEBOB: What you said!
Sandy happily returns to her muffin sales. Mrs.Puff mocks her out of the squirrel’s hearing capability.
MRS.PUFF: I HaVE A MufFIN BuSIneSS to OPerATe, sO See YAll ARouND!
SPONGEBOB: Mrs.Puff, let’s not mock the other business, even if they are taking what could’ve been our sales.
MRS.PUFF: You said you knew business, and nobody is nice in business.
SPONGEBOB: Until now.
MRS.PUFF: ……. Just get going on trying to attract customers! Y’know, if you want your license and all.
SPONGEBOB: YES MA’AM!
Spongebob grabs a crate of muffins and tries to attract some citizens.
HAROLD: Thanks for the offer but already had one from Sandy.
NANCY SUZY FISH: I’ve already had eight today!
BARNACLEBOY: No thanks.
PATRICK: Hi Spongebob!
SPONGEBOB(looking up to the sky): MUFFIN?!!!!!!
RANDOM CITIZENS: NO!
Spongebob breaks down crying. Mrs.Puff walks up in disappointment.
MRS.PUFF: I thought you could do better Spongebob. Guess you couldn’t.
SPONGEBOB: Oh come on! That was just mean!
MRS.PUFF: Still not sucking up ay? FIRED!
MRS.PUFF: FIRED! ALL CAPITALS! YOU MADE A LAUGHING STOCK OUT OF ME TODAY! ALL I GOT WAS LOITERING, SWINDLING FROM MY BOYFRIEND AND PUBLIC EMBARRASSMENT! NO LICENSE FOR YOU!! I WANTED YOU GONE FROM BOATING SCHOOL BUT I GUESS YOU GOTTA STAY! THANK’S A LOT!!
Spongebob breaks down again. Sandy walks up.
SANDY: Now Mrs.P, that was too harsh, he’s just a kid, can’t take out yall stress on him for some simple mistakes.
MRS.PUFF: Why should I take some advice from a squirrel?!
SANDY: Excuse me?
MRS.PUFF: You are another reason my business failed! You took all of my customers and well deserved money and meanwhile, the most expensive item I received was a toothpick! Sicko!
SANDY: Now listen you big fat walrus, I was just selling some muffins to make extra profit but to spread happiness! Apparently, you only want the money and everybody to have repressed stress just like yourself!
MRS.PUFF: You don’t even know a thing about me!
SANDY: No I do! I’ve seen your kind in Dallas before! The reason yall so miserable is because, you suck all your stress in instead of releasing it! You must follow the phrase Suck it up huh? Well guess what, sucking it up also sucks up your health and happiness, to release may feel tough at the time but it gets better, it shows real emotion! That’s why yall so unhappy all the time, you suck it in, so try something different and blow it out! Then try selling some muffins and see what happens.
Mrs.Puff pauses for a moment and stares at Sandy, who is not fooling around as well as a calmed down Spongebob. Mrs.Puff can’t suck it in anymore and lets the waterworks out plus a hug for Spongebob.
MRS.PUFF: I AM SO SORRY SPONGEBOB! I THOUGHT I WAS CORRECT! PLEASE FORGIVE ME! I’LL DO BETTER AND MAYBE SIMPLIFY YOUR TESTS!.... OKAY, I WILL SIMPLIFY YOUR TESTS!
SPONGEBOB: Mrs.P, it’s okay, to be honest, I suck in stress sometimes as well but I let it out afterwards once I realize how unhealthy it is.
MRS.PUFF: Well keep doing it! I have to as well! Let’s pack up, muffin drive is closed for the day.
The citizens clap having watched the entire altercation.
Spongebob and Mrs.Puff pack up the business as does Sandy, who has also had enough for today.
MRS.PUFF: Well I learned a very important life lesson today, to not be afraid to show your real emotions even if judgment may come your way! Speaking of, I had none!
MRS.PUFF: Never mind…. Well, don’t care anyways.
SANDY: Nice job! Already improving!
SPONGEBOB: Glad that’s settled, but what are we going to do with all these muffins from both of our businesses!
Patrick comes up.
PATRICK: Patman to the rescue!
Patrick sucks up all 412 muffins like a vacuum cleaner until he is stuffed.
PATRICK: Cinnamon buns! (Belches)
Spongebob, Sandy and Mrs.Puff laugh and then return to packing up until Mrs.Puff bloats having recovered her puffer.
MRS.PUFF(deep voice): What a week.