Dodgeball Star (Spongebob Squarepants Fanfiction)
To help him get over his fears of dodgeball, Sandy decides to encourage Patrick Star into being a better Dodgeball player after Squidward cockily challenges him to a duel in the new Krusty Krab Dodgeball Tournament.
The scene begins at Patrick’s Rock, Patrick is watching “Rise Of The Starfish Zombies 16.” Patrick is cowering in fear under his blanket after seeing numerous brains being eaten on TV.
TV CHARACTER: Aaaaaaaahhhhh!!
WOMAN: The horror!
PATRICK: Please make it stop! Please make it stop!
Suddenly, the phone rings
PATRICK: GO AWAY! I HAVE NO BRAIN!
But then he realizes it is the phone and picks up.
SPONGEBOB: Hi Patrick!
PATRICK: Hey Spongebob!
SPONGEBOB: What're up to?
PATRICK: Oh nothing, just peed my pantsies again after watching the zombie movie.
SPONGEBOB: Pat, I told you, don’t watch Rise Of The Starfish Zombies 16! It was reported that wrestlers who watched this movie and earned several championships in pro-wrestling had to sleep with seventeen night-lights from Labor Day to Christmas!
PATRICK: I’m sorry, I was just bored and wanting to do something and I guess, my uhhh, whatever I’m made of, wanted brains or uhhhhhh…
PATRICK: No BORED! Spongebob! I know I failed English Class five times in a row, but you don’t need to push it in my face!
PATRICK: Well anyways, I am so bored, MY LIFE IS ALREADY PLANNING RETIREMENT TRIPS!
SPONGEBOB: Well that’s not possible.
SPONGEBOB: Well rest assured Pat..
PATRICK: But I already took my 15 minutes before Lunch Nap.
SPONGEBOB: Well uh Patrick, since you seem to have nothing to do, come by The Krusty Krab.
PATRICK: I love Krabby Patties! But sadly… I already had my supplement, now I’m craving tacos!
SPONGEBOB: Actually, I meant a game!
PATRICK: A game? Game?! GAME!!! GAME!!!!! I WANT TO PLAY! I WANT TO PLAY!!
SPONGEBOB: Well come spend your money here at The Krusty Krab!
PATRICK: Never fear, Patty is here!
Spongebob turns around and hangs up the phone after he sees Patrick right next to him, who has gotten there in record time.
The scene cuts to Spongebob, Patrick, Squidward and Sandy sitting on a log before a season rojector. Spongebob and Patrick are making shadow puppets and Sandy wants to engage in conversation with Squiddy.
SANDY: Hey there, Squiddycakes!
SQUIDWARD(interrupted from his reading of the Phone Manual): Oh hey uhhhh, Mandie?
SANDY(slightly agitated) : Sandy….
SQUIDWARD: What do you want female squirrel? I was busy trying to find my arch rival Squilliam Fancyson’s number so I can call his butler and get the Fancyson address to egg the house, uhhhh, uh, ah, I mean, How about that weather? Huh?! Crazy!
SANDY: Don't worry, I understand your rivalry with Squilliam, I used to have this rival named Sadie back in my Texas School of Acorns and..
Sandy then notices that Squidward has fallen asleep from her boring story already.
SANDY: …….. Keep your cool Sandy..... Keep your cool…..
Mr.Krabs finally shows up and reveals why he has gathered the other four before a projector.
MR.KRABS: Ahoy Lassie and Gentlelads!
SPONGEBOB: Mr.Spongebob, reporting for duty!
PATRICK: Hi, Donald Trump!
MR.KRABS: Patrick, Its Mr..
Suddenly, Mr.Krabs sees that Squidward is still sleeping. Due to not getting a hi or at least a whatever, Krabs makes this a big deal.
MR.KRABS: That ugly octopus is gonna pay for not greeting me!
Mr.Krabs grabs a stethoscope and a chime.
SANDY: Wait Mr.K, don't.
Mr.Krabs bangs the chime as hard as possible on the stethoscope that he raises up to Squidward’s bald head which startles Squidward awake making him scream in pain from the loud sound waves that just entered his ears at the speed of light.
SQUIDWARD: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!! KRABS!! I TOLD YOU DON’T DO THAT!!!! IT TOOK ME 5 DAYS TO GET MY HEARING BACK AFTER YOU DID THAT WHILE I FELL ASLEEP ON THE TOILET DURING LUNCH RUSH!
MR.KRABS: It's what you get for thinking that not greeting me is okay!
SQUIDWARD: You're lucky my eardrums are already damaged and can’t get damaged more, you sweaty barnaclebrain!
MR.KRABS: Good that you can continue to be taught a lesson Squiddy, Arrgh, Arrgh, Arrgh!
SQUIDWARD(Sighs): ….Neptune please kill me now..
King Neptune suddenly appears out of nowhere and blasts Squidward on the butt with a laser beam for his trident!
SQUIDWARD: OWWWWWWWW!!! I DIDN’T MEAN LITERALLY!!
KING NEPTUNE: I know! I just want to get my jollies and teach you a lesson to not be such a grump all the time! Now time to go, I'm late for my manicure!
King Neptune disappears.
SQUIDWARD: Krabs.. get this stupid whatever you want to do over with so I can schedule another ear cleaning as well as a butt surgery!... that sounded so weird just now.
MR.KRABS: Ahem, anyways… I gathered ye four here for a super special and super money making idea I have come up with last night!......
MR.KRABS: Oh right uh anyways, LADIES AND GENTLEFISH, WE ARE HAVING A DODGEBALL TOURNAMENT!
Squidward suddenly has his injuries get better all of a sudden and he screams with happiness since he loves dodgeball as it is one of the few sports he is good and not an utter failure at.
SQUIDWARD: YES!!! FINALLY, SOMETHING THAT I ACTUALLY LIKE!!!
SANDY: My Texas! That is a very awesome idea!
SPONGEBOB: I was the ball in High School but I still loved it! Great idea Mr.K!
PATRICK: AAAAAHHH! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Everybody looks at Patrick confused at his outburst just now…
The scene flashes back to when Patrick was younger, it’s September 1991, this flashback takes place after the one in “Sing A Song of Patrick,” a 5 year old Patrick runs out of the Gymnasium crying getting hit with two more dodgeballs. He runs into the boy’s bathroom after previously running in the Girl’s making them run out screaming.
Patrick lets it all out, flushes more poems he made down the toilet after using it and tries to get his composure back.
YOUNG PATRICK(teary) : I can't believe they did that! I just wanted to read my Roses and Violets poem! That English teacher is so mean! What English class has dodgeballs???!!
All of the bullies except for the Gym teacher enter the bathroom even more cocky.
BULLY: Sup Patty, you hybrid elephant.
The bullies laugh.
YOUNG PATRICK(now angry) : That was a very mean thing you did Toad!
TOAD: Actually it was the teacher/my uncle but whatever, listening to you with a face that ugly and a brain the size and knowledge of jellyfish poo, we just couldn't resist!
The bullies laugh again.
Young Patrick gets an idea and hides his hands behind his back.
YOUNG PATRICK(smiling innocently) : Knock, Knock!
TOAD: Who’s there.
YOUNG PATRICK: Silly!
TOAD: Silly who?
YOUNG PATRICK: Silly string You!
Young Patrick reveals his hands having had planned a silly string attack, one problem though, he forgot to have his mom buy silly string. The bullies tear up with laughter.
TOAD: Hahahaha! Oh man, you're such a joke!
BULLY # 2 : Loser!
BULLY # 3 : Mommy’s Boy!
BULLY # 4 : Fatty!
BULLY # 2 : Ready TOAD?!
TOAD: Dodgeball away!
Young Patrick gets pelted with dodgeballs again, he runs into a stall to take cover, Bully # 5 however waited for him in there having snuck past during the silly string thing. The bully gets ahold of the young Starfish.
BULLY # 5 : I got him!
TOAD: Flush away!
BULLY # 2 : Yeah!
The bully prepares to nosedive Patrick into the toilet so hard that it makes your everyday swirlie look like child’s play.
YOUNG PATRICK: Noooooooo!!!
Back to the present.
PATRICK: NOOOOOO!!! NO DODGEBALLS! NO SILLY STRING!! NO TOILETS!!!
Spongebob, Squidward, Mr.Krabs and Sandy look confused. Spongebob then slaps Patrick across the face to snap him back into reality.
SPONGEBOB: Snap out of it Pat!
PATRICK: How can I?! I HATE DODGEBALL! BOO!!
SPONGEBOB: Patrick, what Toad and his stupid gang did to you was 26 years ago, if this makes you feel better, all of those cronies live off of even lower minimum wage and Toad is now paying his dues in Prison… a federal Prison!
PATRICK: How does this help my fear again?!
SPONGEBOB: It is irrational to totally fear a sport just because, of an incident back in Kindergarten, come on Pat!
SQUIDWARD: Spongebob, let him be, he will continue to be a loser..
Sandy steps on Squidward’s feet with her cleats making him yelp in pain. He gives her the stink eye and she returns the favor until reassuring Patrick.
SANDY: Now Patrick, how about we just do one game with each other, you and me v.s Squidward and Spongebob, how’s that.
SPONGEBOB: Actually I want to be the ball, that’s more fun!
SQUIDWARD: I would so love to hit out Big Pink Loser over and over again!
PATRICK(acting like a child throwing a tantrum) : No!
SANDY: Come on Pat…
PATRICK: I said no!
SANDY: Okay fine, after all, I wish I could be snacking on Chili Cheese Tacos with grated cheese, smoked kielbasas, sliced tomatoes and sea horse ranch but you seem to not be hungry.
PATRICK: Is that available after the game?
PATRICK: I don’t need it!
PATRICK’S MIND: Taco! Taco! Taco!
PATRICK SPEAKING TO HIS MIND: But there’s dodgeball..
PATRICK’S MIND: Who cares?! Taco! Taco! Taco!
PATRICK SPEAKING TO HIS MIND: Mindy!
Patrick snaps back to reality..
PATRICK: (Groans)... Ughhhhh!!! Fine!
SANDY: I didn't want to bribe y'all but you need to get over this fear!
PATRICK: One game! That’s all!
MR.KRABS: Ahem… One game must have an admission of $6! Fear or not, PAY UP!
Sandy pays up but Krabs wants Patrick to pay up as well.
MR.KRABS: Come on!
Patrick grabs Spongebob’s Wallet taking out a $5 bill and a $1 bill.
SPONGEBOB: Mr.K! He took my money!
Krabs’ snatches the stolen money.
MR.KRABS: I got it out of Patrick’s hand, seems legit enough.
Krabs’ hands all three players some Gym shorts he stole from Charity.
Now… EVERYBODY CHANGE! I GOTTA SET UP THE ARENA!
Spongebob turns into his Spongeball form and rolls into the Kitchen to practice how to be thrown. Sandy, Patrick and Squidward head into the bathroom/changing room after Mr.Krabs snatched $6 out of Squid’s wallet much to his dismay.
Sandy keeps her air helmet on but has gotten out of her suit and dressed into her uniform. Patrick manages to get his athletic shorts on. Squidward approaches him.
SQUIDWARD: Hey Idiot,
SQUIDWARD: I would just like to wish you the best of luck in the game, you need it.
PATRICK: Aww, thanks Squiddy!
SQUIDWARD: You need immense luck, after I crush all and any dignity you have left with a ball to the FACE! Hahahahahaa!!!
Squidward finishes changing and heads out to the arena still cracking up with laughter. Sandy comforts a nervous Patrick.
SANDY: Don’t let that silly side-wonder let y'all down, you will do good Pat.
PATRICK: I hope so. Why was he laughing?
SANDY: Because, when he was in school, he was an insecure little dork, or should I say, dorkiheimer, who wants to get his revenge now a middle Aged lonely loser.
PATRICK: Will I End up like the loser outside?
SANDY: No Pat.. you will be a winner.
PATRICK: Thank you.
Patrick and Sandy hug and then head out to the arena.
The scene cuts to Squidward who is captain of his team consisting of just himself, he is ready to shake hands with Patrick, the captain of his and Sandy's two player team. Spongebob as the Dodgeball is ready and Krabs is the official.
MR.KRABS: Okay lads, the rules of the game are no drinks except my average tap water, no food, no music after 7:39, make me money and to have me make money uh I mean, have fun!
SQUIDWARD(smiling to Patrick): You're going down you pink conehead!
PATRICK(nervous): No uh you are, uhhhhh, LOSER!
SQUIDWARD: Overused stereotype that I will no longer use!
SQUIDWARD: Already taken…
SANDY: Focus Pat!
SPONGEBOB: Don’t worry Pat, I’ll try to steer away from your face!
SQUIDWARD: Quiet Spongeball! I get first throw!
MR.KRABS: No you…. Squidward gives Krabs another dollar…. FIRST SERVE!
Everybody is in position, Sandy looks ready and determined while eyeing a cocky Squidward in the face, who returns the favor while getting ready to throw Spongeball. Patrick wants his Mommy so badly.
MR.KRABS: On your mark.. get set.. MONEY!
Squidward charges at Patrick and sinks Spongeball right into Pat’s face, knocking PATRICK down to the court.
SQUIDWARD: Let’s go!!!
MR.KRABS(to Patrick): You're out!
SANDY: Pat, you need to..
Squidward then hits Sandy with Spongeball.
SQUIDWARD(to Sandy): Later, Texas!
SANDY(angry): What did you just say..
MR.KRABS: No fights!
Sandy growls under her breath and then sits out next to Patrick, who continuously touches his now red face that is beating up and down.
SQUIDWARD: I win round 1! Barnaclebutts!
MR.KRABS: 9 rounds left!
PATRICK: 9?!!! I said 1!
MR.KRABS: Ye wanna forfeit?
SANDY: Nope, he will do better Eugene.
MR.KRABS: Alright then, now ROUND 2!
Squidward is already doing a lame celebration dance.
SPONGEBOB: Oy vey.
Round 2 - Squidward throws the ball into Patrick’s face again breaking some teeth.
SANDY and SPONGEBOB: Pat, you okay?!
PATRICK: My baby tooth!
Round 3 - Sandy throws the ball at Squidward but he catches it sending her to the sidelines. Squidward then throws the ball into Pat’s groin area.
SQUIDWARD: HAHAHA!!!! SEE YA LATER FREAKAZOID!
Round 4 - Sandy hits Squidward with the ball but he pays Krabs another dollar to stay in.
SANDY: Hey y'all! Cheater!
MR.KRABS: Money knows no cheats, Sandra.
SANDY: That makes no sense!
SQUIDWARD: Just like Patrick?
Sandy, Squidward, Mr.Krabs and Spongeball look at Patrick, who is mastering the art of nothing.
Round 5 - Squidward impresses his mother, who is watching the game in the audience along with some fish that showed up including Pearl. Squid sinks Patrick to the ground with several Spongeballs after he forced Spongebob to do some budding.
MAMA TENTACLES: That’s my boy!
SPONGEBOB: Who’s a lowlife scum just in dodgeball.
Spongebob goes back into one Spongeball and goes to get some rest after apologizing to Patrick five times for Squidward throwing him into the most painful of Patrick’s areas, Patrick and Sandy head outside to review their failure in their first five games, Squidward goes into the bathroom to prepare for the next five rounds and Mr.Krabs gets ready to announce the two characters that will be performing in halftime to an audience that now has grown vastly in size.
MR.KRABS: Ladies and Gents, give it up for our two halftime revolutionaries! Pearlie and PlankTON?!!!
PLANKTON: Hi Eugene!
MR.KRABS: You can't perform in halftime!
BIKINI BOTTOM DENIZEN: Yes he can, this is a free town, what are you Krabs, a communist?
PLANKTON: Then let me perform!
Mr.Krabs is reluctant but finally gives in. However, he grabs Plankton with a warning.
MR.KRABS: No tricks!
Pearl gets ready to do her 10 second stunt…. CHEERLEADING.
PEARL: Woohoo! Woohoo! GIVE IT UP FOR SQUIDWARD! AN S.Q.U! SQUIDWARD! SQUIDWARD! SQUI-ID-WARD!!! THANK YOU, GOOD DAY!!!
The audience groans in relief after her stunt is done.
Plankton does his. Juggling
PLANKTON: Ahem, I juggle an anchor.. a ball.. a tomato.. an old man..
OLD MAN JENKINS: I don't want to be a burden…
PLANKTON: And Money!
PLANKTON: For the price of one Secret Formula!
MR.KRABS: One Secret Formula coming….. wait… WAIT… I SAID NO TRICKS!!!
Mr.Krabs slices a rope in half with his claws making Bubble Bass, who for reasons unknown was in the crowsnest, fall right onto Plankton cushing him with his gigantic butt.
MR.KRABS: As I once said of ye Spongebob impression, I now say this… Nice juggling!
PLANKTON: No Thank You.
BUBBLE BASS: Oo! Jelly bean!
Bubble Bass eats Plankton as he screams in agony.
Patrick is crying outside, Sandy tries to comfort him.
PATRICK: Let’s just forfeit now Sandy! Squid’s too good! I lost 14 teeth, feeling in my lower body and I have a face so red that people think I have a sunburn! Let’s forefit!
SANDY: NO! I will not let that cocky anorexic buffoon with his Mom as his friend win this! He won the first five, so we will win the back five!
SANDY: With Patience, Integrity, Calamity and Responsibility…
PATRICK: ….. What??
SANDY: Ugh, just follow my lead.
MR.KRABS: Round 6 beginning!
SANDY: Come on Pat, don't be a quitter, we can do this.
PATRICK: ……, Let's get this stupid pain over with!
Sandy and Patrick are back on the court, Squidward looks even more determined than he was in the first half.
Mr.Krabs blows his game whistle..
Squidward throws the ball, Sandy pushes Patrick out of the way and she ducks. The ball ends up hitting Old Man Jenkins in the gut while his sister tries to help him up.
SQUIDWARD: That counts right?!
MR.KRABS: I don’t see Old Man Jenkins playing do you?
MR.KRABS: Then you're out Squiddy! Can’t hit customers!
MR.KRABS: Round 6 goes to a Texas squirrel and a dimwitted star.
SANDY: See Pat! We gotta keep this game plan up, we just barely made it in Round 7!
Round 7 - Squidward throws the ball knocking Patrick and Sandy both to the court.
SQUIDWARD: Two at once! Not bad!
MR.KRABS: Both Out!
SANDY: It's all part of the game Pat, it's all part of the game.
Round 8 - Squidward dodges a ball and throws one at Patrick knocking him out to the ground where at this point, he now needs an ice pack.
Sandy throws the ball toward the ceiling.
SQUIDWARD: Hey Sandy! I’m over here!
Spongebob as the spongeball detected a plan Sandy got and heads to a red button on the ceiling that sends several real dodgeballs onto Squidward.
SPONGEBOB: Oopsie, hehe!
Round 9 - A now angry Squidward over the rival team getting points at last and nearing his impressive feat, puts Spongeball onto his clarinet and then blows into it playing some bad music and launching Spongeball into Patrick’s face knocking out the final tooth.
SANDY: Dag Nab It!
PATRICK: The pain isn't as bad as it seems…
Patrick tears up.
MR.KRABS: FINAL ROUND!!! THIS IS ALL OR NOTHING! WHETHER YOU WERE A LOSER STREAK OR A WINNER STREAK, EITHER WAY, IT WON’T MATTER AS THIS IS THE JACKPOT OF ALL JACKPOTS AND MONAY!! SQUIDWARD AS IN OTHER ROUNDS, WILL FIRE THE FIRST SHOT! NO EXCEPTIONS! PLAY BALL!
Mr.Krabs blows his whistle.
Squidward throws the ball at Sandy but she dodges it. She throws it back and he deflects it with a table.
Squidward throws Spongeball toward Sandy, she uses her helmet to deflect which doesn't count as an out.
Spongeball is now in the middle of the court, Sandy or Squidward can get the ball but only one. They eye each other for a moment before Sandy makes the first move. She has unknowingly fallen into a trap, Squidward tied non-visible string to the ball pulling it back. He then puts Spongeball onto his clarinet and blows in it again sending Spongeball at 90 mph right into Sandy’s air helmet, which instead of deflecting Spongeball, the ball cracks her helmet knocking her unconscious.
The audience gasps with shock and horror, Mr.Krabs usually cares for his own greed but even he is shocked that Squidward did this.
SPONGEBOB: NO! NO! SANDY!
Spongebob returns to his normal form and him and Patrick check on her, she is fine but severely hurt. This is where they realize that Squidward only wants to win for a selfish purpose and not in good sportsmanship.
The audience continues to be shocked. Then they hear Squidward talk.
SQUIDWARD: But she’s fine! Okay, FINE, you INGRATES, I’ll let them win, even though they may fail.
The audience, except for his mom, boos at him and throws tomatoes and anchors. Mr.Krabs calms them down.
Two Paramedics that came from the audience and Spongebob help load Sandy onto the gurney to get to the Hospital. Patrick stays back, and is plenty mad. He walks up and grabs Spongebob.
SPONGEBOB: Ah Pat what are you doing?!
He rolls Spongebob into Spongeball and eyes Squidward in the face who looks concerned. He then throws Spongeball even faster than a player would pitching a baseball. Spongebob hits Squidward in the face knocking him out cold, knocking out several teeth and making everybody except Squidward’s Mom, who checks on her baby boy, cheer.
PATRICK: Okay, I feel a little better now.
MR.KRABS: I was going to pronounce Squiddy as the winner but after what he just did, that does not feel appropriate, Patrick Star… OUR NEW WINNER!!!
The audience cheers even louder and hold a standing ovation for Patrick and chant him on all the way to the Hospital to see how Sandy is doing, who will be really proud of her prodigy who has finally gotten over his fear of Dodgeballs. After everybody leaves, Squidward regains consciousness.
SQUIDWARD: I guess I went a little too far this time.