Commander Squidward (Spongebob Squarepants Fanfiction)
Main Characters Edit
Spongebob and Patrick must act responsible when staying a night at Squidward’s. That ain’t happening…
The Story Edit
The scene begins at Squidward’s house, Squidward walks outside and breathes getting ready to tend to his carrot garden.
SQUIDWARD: (Breathes a sigh of relief), What a beautiful Summer Day! Sun’s out, temperatures baking, and dumb people are at the beach instead of here! Of course though, Autumn and less optimism is better! Ha,Ha,Ha! I'm talking to myself… again…
Squidward gets ready to water his carrots when suddenly a clam shell lands on them.
SQUIDWARD: Wait, what the?
Three more shells land. Squidward turns to see Spongebob trying to make Gary play fetch the shells.
SPONGEBOB: Come on Gary! You gotta catch those shells not wait.. hey!, don't eat the rest!
SPONGEBOB: Oh hey, Squidward! Will you fetch the shells?
SQUIDWARD: NO! I AM NOT FETCHING ANY STUPID SHELLS! BUT WHAT ARE THEY DOING ON MY CARROTS?!!
SPONGEBOB: Oh sorry, I guess my pitch was too tough, ha! Get it!
SQUIDWARD: …….You're jokes are garbage.
SPONGEBOB: Well sorry Squid, if a certain snail would’ve just fetched them, we would be fine!
Gary looks at Spongebob, makes gestures in the form of that sentence and continues eating the remaining clam shells.
SQUIDWARD: I'll pick em up, I don't want that mutt on my carrots.
SPONGEBOB: What carrots?
SQUIDWARD: My garden you Dope, as you can see right..
Squidward stares in shock when he sees Patrick laying on the soil after having had devoured every single carrot and seed.
PATRICK: (Belches)... Now I can go for Barnacle Chips!
SPONGEBOB: Hey Pat!
PATRICK: Hey Spongeboob!
SQUIDWARD: GET OUT!!
Squidward picks up Patrick and throws him inside his rock.
PATRICK: Hey thank y..
Squidward slams the rock shut and storms off inside grunting angrily slamming his own door shut as well.
The scene transitions to Spongebob’s Kitchen where Spongebob and Sandy are making Origami.
SPONGEBOB: Barnacles! 10th loss in a row!
SANDY: Texas Origami is never bested!
SPONGEBOB: What about Oklahoma?
SANDY: Y'all, say that again?
SPONGEBOB: Never mind.
SANDY: Well anyways Spongey, you said that Squiddy had a meltdown earlier?
SPONGEBOB: I threw a couple of shells into his carrot garden while trying to make Gary play fetch and.. Patrick ate all of the carrots.
SANDY: That is a bummer.
SPONGEBOB: Bummer indeed.
SANDY: … Hey uh Spongey?
SANDY: Did y'all by any chance spend any sleepovers at Squiddy’s?
SPONGEBOB: Nope, why do you ask?
SANDY: I was thinking, how about you and Patrick try to ask to sleepover in a sophisticated manner to appease the old blue grouch and get past this here little issue.
SPONGEBOB: You think he will say yes?
SANDY: If you behave.
Spongebob smiles and yells..
While shooting into his ceiling like a firework but hitting a light and then mildly exploding.
Spongebob falls to the ground and wipes off some ashes.
SPONGEBOB: I'm gonna go and invite Patrick!
SANDY: Okay, Ima return home to continue working on my Mind Control Gizmo Thingy, so cannot wait to get revenge on that city slicker Plankton! See ya.
Sandy exits and Spongebob runs to Patrick’s knocking on the rock.
The rock opens. Spongebob can't find Patrick.
VOICE: Go away!
VOICE: Go away, food collector! I shoplifted those chicken nuggets fair and square!
SPONGEBOB: Patrick, is that you?
PATRICK: Yes! Now leave!
SPONGEBOB: Pat, it's me Spongebob.
Patrick jumps out of a corner startling Spongebob. Pat is dressed in defensive gear with a tight grip on Aunt Mystery’s Chicken Nuggets (Ages:4-6).
PATRICK: Oh hey Spongebob!
Patrick returns to his shorts and eats the chicken nuggets and the cardboard box.
PATRICK: Aaaah, now, are we going to Pizza Castle?
SPONGEBOB: No.. I was wondering if you want to go to a sleepover at Squidward's.
PATRICK: SLEEPOVER AT SQUID’S?!! I WANNA GO! I WANNA GO!
SPONGEBOB: Okay, then!
Spongebob and Patrick exit the rock and go right up to Squid’s front door.
SPONGEBOB: Oh ho, ho, I can't wait to see his amazing paintings and sculptures!
PATRICK: And his toilet paper!
SQUIDWARD: Oh no, what do you two lightweights want now?!
SPONGEBOB: Aaaah…. Can we sleepover at your abode!!! Please! Please!
SPONGEBOB: But we will help you paint and play your amazing music!
SPONGEBOB: We can cook!
SQUIDWARD: No means No
PATRICK: We can check out your toilet paper!
SPONGEBOB: No we will not!
SQUIDWARD: Exeunt you two losers! I must have a night alone with my clarinet!
PATRICK: We could check your wipes as well!
Squidward has a, “I'm so done” look on his face and prepares to close his door until Spongebob stops him with one final proposal.
SPONGEBOB: We could pay you cash!
SQUIDWARD: Not inter….. Go on..
SPONGEBOB: All I got is my usual $7 a month from work.
PATRICK: I have a quarter, a piece of string, a deadbolt and a tooth!
SQUIDWARD: Hmmmm, $10, or leave.
Spongebob rushes off to his house quickly. He finds a dollar under Gary's shell, a dollar hidden behind a Mermaidman and Barnacleboy picture and two dollars in the clogged shower drain.
Spongebob rushes back.
SPONGEBOB: $11 dollars! Is that acceptable?
SQUIDWARD: Hmmm, ugh, fine, enter you boobs.
The scene cuts to Squidward with a military hat on explaining the Casa de Squidward rules to a preppy Spongebob and a drooling Patrick.
SQUIDWARD: Rule 1, NO USING MY BATHROOM, YOU USE A BUCKET ONLY!
SQUIDWARD: Rule 2, NO USE OF ANYTHING BUT YOUR OWN JUNK YOU BROUGHT WITH YOU.
SQUIDWARD: And Rule 3, ANY BROKEN ITEM?!!! I AM CALLING THE COPPERS!! COMPESH?!
PATRICK: Heh heh, you said compress!
PATRICK: I said yes!
SQUIDWARD: Alright then, now stay away from me, I need to go upstairs and take a warm 52 minute bubble bath! Don't touch anything except your stuff!
Squidward rushes upstairs to get going on his bubble pleasure.
SPONGEBOB: Okay Pat, you heard the man, don't break any.. PATRICK!!
Spongebob finds Patrick laying down all over Squidward’s Porcelain White Couch surfing all the TV channels and snacking on some of Squid’s cashews. Patrick finds the Jenkins Channel, similar to a Hans Moleman Production from The Simpsons.
OLD MAN JENKINS: Old Man Jenkins presents, old fish getting hit by football.
Old Man Jenkins is smiling in the middle of a field until getting hit in the gut by a football like Hans Moleman. He too groans in pain.
PATRICK: (Spitting out some cashews), HAHAHAHAH! THAT OLD GUY GOT HIT IN THE GUT WITH A FOOTBALL!
Spongebob turns off the TV angering Patrick.
PATRICK: HEY! I was watching old dudes stinking at football!
SPONGEBOB: PAT! Squidward told us not to use any of his appliances! Don't the rules matter to ya?!
PATRICK: Rules?? School is too cool for me!
SPONGEBOB: Ugh, Pat, just respect our fine neighbor and don't watch TV!
Patrick gets off the couch taking the bowl of cashews with him.
Spongebob gets the Cashews back.
Spongebob prepares to lay down on the floor to play with his Nintendo DS but then hears Pat going upstairs.
SPONGEBOB: Oh no, no, no!
Spongebob rushes upstairs and follows his friend into Squid’s bedroom to find Patrick messing around with Squidward’s different pairs of clothes.
PATRICK: Hideous, ugly, out of date since the 80’s!
Patrick finds a striped sweater and then throws it out the window.
PATRICK: Not now Spongebob, I am trying to see if Squidward has at least one shirt that is not repulsive!
Spongebob grabs Patrick by the head and drags him out to the hallway.
SPONGEBOB: What did I just say?!
PATRICK: …. What you just said?
SPONGEBOB: …. No… Pat, this isn't your house, you can't just rummage through somebody’s clothes and throw them out the window!
PATRICK: But I only wear Bermuda Trunks and I have no windows!
SPONGEBOB: Don’t touch Squidward’s clothes!
Patrick gets ready to speak but Spongebob cuts him off..
SPONGEBOB: Or his toilet paper!
Patrick groans sadly but then gets an idea.
PATRICK: I want to touch his art!
Patrick rushes up to the gallery on the third floor.
Patrick stares in amazement at the self-portraits of Squidward which are amazing to him, Spongebob and obviously Squidward…. hideous to everybody else.
PATRICK: I want to bring some home for my collection! I want uhhhh, the clown, the angry face, the cheeseburger, and…
Spongebob drags his tubby friend back to the second floor.
Spongebob is about to chastise Patrick again until the two friends hear voices in the bathroom.
PATRICK: Who is that?
SPONGEBOB: I don’t know, let’s listen.
The scene cuts to inside the bathroom, Squidward is happily enjoying his bubble bath and talking to himself.
SQUIDWARD: It can’t get any better than this! Let’s listen to Station 5!
Squidward grabs his bath radio and turns it on to station 5.
ANNOUNCER: Welcome to station 5, all your boring and sophisticated needs.
SQUIDWARD: Livin the life!
ANNOUNCER: Our top stories are, “Local Squirrel Mind Controls Half-Pint Evil Genius with a gizmo thingy,” “It is now illegal for starfishes to access Aunt Mystery’s Chicken Nuggets,” and “Trump’s latest Russian connection is..
Squidward turns off the radio immediately.
SQUIDWARD: Can I ever escape politics??
Squidward returns to his bubble bath.
The two friends finish listening and converse.
SPONGEBOB: What do you think they were talking about?
PATRICK: Evil double agents!
SPONGEBOB: You can’t be serious?
PATRICK: There were two! They just kidnapped Squidward and plot to destroy us and the house! Those fiends! Set up by President Tr..
SPONGEBOB: Don’t even mention that name.
PATRICK: …. Anyways, I must stop them!
SPONGEBOB: Now Pat, even if there are agents, I will still keep telling you, ..
. DO NOT TOUCH SQUIDWARD’S STUFF!
PATRICK: Spongebob… Our skinny blue friend is in dire help, we must assist! We can let the rules slide!
SPONGEBOB: But Pat, the rules.
PATRICK: FORGET THOSE RULES! It’s war! I saw this on TV last night, fishinati agents taking over the world, killing us all, starting a World War! They got Squidward but will never get us! Do you want them to kidnap Gary?!
Spongebob has the thought of evil double agents breaking into his pineapple, stuffing Gary into a sack like the gorilla did to Patrick and Sandy once before and then taking off.
SPONGEBOB: ….. Let’s get them!
A montage is shown of Spongebob and Patrick preparing to take down the “double agents” that are actually Squidward and what was a radio that was turned off.
Spongebob equips himself with jellyfish stingers and spikes.
Patrick puts on goggles, arms himself with bubbles and eats a single cashew.
Spongebob also puts on goggles and arms himself with bubbles.
Patrick gives himself a triple knotted wedgie as he yelps in pain so the “agent” won’t do it. He ties the tighty no longer whities with his paperclip and string on his single hidden piece of hair he still kept when he joined Plankton’s scam band.
Spongebob puts on a bandana.
Patrick finds a stash of unused toilet paper and puts one on his conehead while pumping success like the success baby meme.
The montage ends and the two idiots are ready to be idiots.
Neptune help us…
Squidward is resting his eyes in peace while being almost covered by the soapy water. The two idiots then barge into the bathroom in their gear(Squidward’s appliances) to tackle the “agents.”
SQUIDWARD: HEY?! I SAID YOU CAN’T USE MY BATHROOM! AND I’M NAKED!
SPONGEBOB: Oh no, the agent has disguised as Squidward!
PATRICK: …. I’ll deal with this!
Squidward climbs out of the tub only partially covered by soap bubbles.
SQUIDWARD: I am going to pummel you!!
Patrick inhales his set of bubbles and then regurgitates them all over Squidward’s eyes.
SQUIDWARD: AAAH! AAAH! MY EYES!!! AAAH!
Spongebob sneaks behind Squidward and kicks him in all four kneecaps sending him to the ground.
Patrick climbs on the tub rail.
PATRICK: Starfish Tumble Rumble!
Patrick topples over Squidward making him groan in pain.
Spongebob punches him in the face.
Patrick puts some underwear and pants on Squid, then wedgies him.
Spongebob stings him with the jellyfish stingers.
Patrick plays, “Twinkle Twinkle Patrick Star.”
After numerous horrible tortures. The two friends finally relent.
Squidward lies on the ground, horribly maimed and mugged by two bozos.
PATRICK: Agent isn’t giving up! I’ll get the watermelon!
SPONGEBOB: Wait Patrick! This ain’t no agent, it is Squidward!
PATRICK: Prove it!
Spongebob, after taking the gear off of him and Pat, squeezes some ink out of Squidward.
PATRICK: Oh, hey Squidward! You smell funny.
Squidward glances over at Spongebob and Patrick, with a murderous look in his face.
SPONGEBOB: Heehee ah… Sleepover over.
Spongebob runs out of the bathroom at the speed of light.
PATRICK: I like your cashews!
Patrick runs out too.
Squidward then glances at the camera and after spitting out some knocked out teeth, he manages to say this…